Tonight she’s on the F train.
Surrounded by strangers.
Tired faces and smells she wouldn’t be able to describe.
Looking around at their faces she sees their story. The frustrations of everyday struggles and hustle, the rush to get to point Z from point A.
I look around and I find my reflection staring back at me.
She stares at herself from the tainted dirty train window. She stares, Looking at the stranger looking back at her. Dirty F train window showing her the person that everyone sees. A shell of a girl that from the outside radiates and emits a force only ever experienced by those unbothered by the world.
Inside she’s living a storm.
A storm filled with fear, and uncertainty. Filled with the fluttering black butterflies that only ever stop when she sleeps. The problem is that the girl staring back at her doesn’t sleep. She takes the pills prescribed to her, given to her to function. Sleep. A foreign five letter word that she hasn’t experienced in months. Months that she has tried to forget and never relive, but they hunt her. They haunt her like he does like her demons do.
She continues to stare but at this point, she wasn’t looking at her reflection but rather through it. Lost in the thoughts of the different him(s) in her life now. Each unique, but each not right. All consumed by their own demons and hurricanes.
She feels trapped. Trapped physically and figuratively. She wants to escape the restrains of her feelings and the F train.
She looks up, as the train conductors calls her stop. She prays that tonight she’s out. She needs her Moon tonight, the only constant in her world. She needs the guidance and protection that only her Moon can offer.
Growing up you want nothing more than to grow up, but then you’re 22 and responsible for not only your emotions, but those around you. You feel lost. Not wanting to live with the thought of hurting others, but not being able to handle the pain placed on you by others. She wants a peace that only the Moon and galaxies can bring her.
She walks up the stairs and is hit with a gust of wind so strong and cold that she is brought back to the reality of what her life is at this moment.
Battling with battles that didn’t exist a day ago, battling herself and her options and opinions.
As her face and fingers go numb she finds peace. Peace in the numbness that is the brisk air of a post blizzard day at night.
Her soul is heavy with emotions she can’t describe, filled with thoughts she can’t explain, a life filled with people she can’t let down.
Always putting others first and forgetting that in this world she needs to care about herself and her needs. She feels lost in her emotions as she finds it hard to breathe in an oxygen filled world of suffocation. Waiting on her savior, waiting on her rescue ship of fake promises.
She’s her own savior.
All this time she was waiting on herself.
Gabriela A Tejada
~I wrote this poem a few years ago. Thought it needed to be released into the world once more, help those who might be going through a hard time. I’m here for you. Enjoy~
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